The day is nearly over. Finally. Today I started my day off a little better than I have in a long time. I haven’t been feeling well lately so I’ve been struggling to get up in the mornings. My body is tired. My bones are sore. My mind is depleted. But, adulting is hard and necessary so I got up and headed to work. Late. Always, for weeks now, late. Today, I was still late but eight minutes compared to an hour is a vast difference.

I was feeling somewhat accomplished. I began my day feeling rejuvenated. I got so much work down in the span of my first two hours. And then just like that everything became dark. Literally. A trip in the circuit cut my power in my office for a bit. And everything went down hill from that.

And it only got worse.

Today, I found out I have Antiphospholipid Syndrome. The gist of it – for twelve years I have struggled with infertility. For twelve years no one could tell me what was going on. For twelve years I had to endure heartache after heartache as I said goodbye to each lost pregnancy. And, after twelve years, I finally know what is likely causing the miscarriages.

When I found out I wanted to break things. I wanted to give up. To lose hope. To beg and plead with God to take it away. To ask Him why all of this has to happen to me. As if Sjogren’s Syndrome, PCOS, RA wasn’t enough. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to curl in a ball and cry. I felt broken.

Pregnancy isn’t a taboo thing for me. Yes, I have had nearly double digits in miscarriage  for twelve years and counting. But, after having to fight my health, even knowing  everything my body is, and taking away from the fact that I could be holding my son or daughter in my arms, has been incredibly deleterious. Having hope, holding on to God, onto His promises can be difficult with these circumstances.

And so, I cried on my way home from work. I cancelled my week night with those adorable kids I can’t wait to see on Wednesdays. I was afraid that this news would turn me around, put me in a tailspin downwards. And then I read a post from an amazing blogger who felt the same way.

I was reminded from that post that “God is on the throne and working in our lives even when we don’t understand.” And right now, right now I don’t understand. I thought I would have been relieved knowing exactly what is the reason for all the devastation but there was no relief. Just confusion. And hurt.

And then I was reminded by loved ones that the doctors don’t have the final say. God does. And through His strength, no matter what comes my way, I will walk upon the waters. My faith will be made stronger. The path is scary, but I know one thing…

Sometimes the best things in life happen against the odds.
Angela Montenegro Bones

Through it all I’m stronger than I was two years ago. I am stronger than I was three months ago. And as I lean on God’s strength in this difficult time I know God will forever be my lighthouse and against the odds I will survive.

Holding on to what is better up ahead. xoxo

Advertisements