This is a long road. A journey so worth the struggles, but, man it’s been tough. We have completed more than half of the initial training required and have two more classes to go before we can submit our paperwork. But, it’s been hard. Not hard because we can’t hack it. Not hard because it’s too difficult. Hard because life is creeping.
I know this all seems to weird. It probably doesn’t make any sense. But, I’m so tired. And I need an outlet to vent. In the back of my mind I keep thinking I’m going to be a horrible mom because I’m so selfish. I don’t want to do the last two days of training. I just want to take a few days off. Be away from everything. And I mean everything. I want to be on the beach with my husband listening to the waves crash on the shore. I want to go home. How am I supposed to be even a decent mom if I can’t even get through the training?
To be fair, this is all my fault. I can’t wait to be able to spend time with a little one. Whether it is forever or not. The idea of just loving them makes me so happy. That’s my purpose in life. Well, at least that’s what I think – to be able to give back to the children in the system because if there is one thing I know, I know how it feels to doubt that you were ever loved. I planned all of the training to be done as quickly as possible. Moved everything around and it worked perfectly. Then I got sick. And then I couldn’t do it. We are 48 hours away from finalizing our training and all I can think of is sleep. I’ve spent the last 72 hours on my couch unable to do anything. Where is my mom when I need her?
I watched this commercial about a mom getting sick and wanting to cancel her family’s vacation. Well, at least postpone it. Is that what I have to look forward to? What if I can’t take care of my family? I’m sure I’m just throwing a fit. I just didn’t anticipate being sick and for so long, or for it to worsen instead of get better as February continued. I had planned to be able to take part in the Foster Care trainings without a hitch, and yet I’m struggling to really pay attention as my nose runs, my cough likes to serenade the room, and my brain is too foggy to care. I’m looking forward to the next 48 hours, and yet, I’m so not.
Sometimes it’s just so hard to see the rainbow – either end – when there has been an endless amount of rain. I keep reminding myself that this is what we are meant to do. That we get to love a little one, but I still can’t get over the lack of good health. Someone, help me! At least make me feel better and tell me I’m not the only one that feels this. Sometimes life is going great then suddenly a giant mole hill is formed that smacks you right in your nose. That’s what it feels like. Except, this mole hill is so steep and filled with landmines that it’s currently unclimbable. Yes, I’m going for the dramatics today.
Little one, I promise when you are here, in my arms, it won’t matter that I’m sick, or tired, or sick and tired. It won’t matter that I haven’t been able to do my hair, or nails, or write. All that will matter is you, that you are loved for, cared for, happy and healthy. I think it is just the long process that is starting to get to me, and we haven’t even really gone through the process. I keep thinking I’m unfit to be a mama. All the what ifs are popping through my head. Ugh.
To you mamas who are on the same path as us, the waiting is rough. How do you do it?
To you mamas who do it with grace and patience, I commend you. Help me to learn from you.
It’s time to suck it up. Little one is waiting. xoxo