I had intended to write about yearly celebrations today to tie it in to my sisters 15 year anniversary. But, alas, I can’t. There is something brewing inside of me that needs to be let out.
First though, I need to be a good sister. Jack and Jas happy fifteenth anniversary. Like most marriages, y’all have had your ups and downs. I hope and pray that the next fifteen years there are more ups. I hope the next fifteen years bring more love, laughter and joy. Remember to always live for each other and love that little baby of yours to the fullest. May God bless your lives and your marriage as you strive to honor Him.
Look at that, I already feel better. Sorta.
So, here’s the thing. My heart is heavy. I’m taking the steps to figure things out and to be honest it is taking more out of me than I expected. Maybe because I am forcing myself to face things. As I face them I am realizing I am stronger than I believed me to be. Which is a good thing but it doesn’t change the fact that it’s heavy. I think the heaviness is because it has taken me far too long to take action in loving myself. I have always based my life on the way it would best fit and work with my family and friends. I am not saying it was a bad way to live. But, it wasn’t ideal, at least for me.
When I first started working at Hill Country my boss told me to find my voice. She barely knew me then but she knew I was more timid than anything else. She needed a leader and I think when she hired me she saw a leader even when I didn’t see it in myself. As the time went on I began to understand what she meant. People looked up to me, respected me, sought me out for both personal and professional help. Now that I think of it maybe Mouse was right, maybe I felt the power and my head grew big. But, whatever it was it opened my eyes.
I had found my voice.
OfficeMax had told me I wasn’t loud. DirecTV passed me up for an amazing opportunity because I couldn’t stand up for myself. Hill Country was the only one to cultivate me to understand that I mattered. Finding my voice at work made me crave to find my voice in my life. I was craving to find who I was and what made me happy. I was craving to grow up and find passion in my life. I was craving to become the girl that I was to the woman I wanted to be. When I found my voice at work I felt rejuvenated. I felt a freedom that I never thought possible. So I sought to find my voice in life.
Don’t get my wrong. I did find my voice. My voice was loud. Very, very, very loud. In all the wrong ways possible. People will say, “But you tried.” I sure did, but with anger and contention and impatience. I didn’t give it my all like I claimed I did. I looked for my voice in all the wrong ways. I had mistaken my craving to be heard for my craving for power and I almost lost everything.
Now, as I sit at this crossroads I want to make it very clear. Finding your voice is an amazing feeling. But, make sure you are doing it correctly. I belittled people to find my voice. I allowed people to use me thinking I was finding my voice. I was encouraged. I was motivated. But, I lost sight of being kind because I was busy listening to all the other voices then the one that mattered. I was told I was courageous, but what I really was was a coward as I allowed people to sway me from my good judgement.
No more chatter of who is right or wrong. No more songs of forgiveness but. No more dancing to the we’s. No more dreams of futures without. Today, I stand firmly on the ground, yet kneeling, and finding my voice the right way. I will crave to be loud. I will crave to be change. I will crave to be happy. But, not at the expense of losing everything that means everything to me.
And it is then that I will find peace to roar. xoxo