Earlier this month I talked about the struggles of fighting my depression. This month seems to be exceedingly harder than most. While I have a job I mostly love, my husband is getting healthier and stronger, my faith is looking up instead of flat lining, and I’ve found my niche in writing the feelings of despair still seem to cripple me.
The fight to ward off depression doesn’t seem to be only hitting me. Other bloggers, other friends have candidly shared their feelings on depression and doing all they can to just stand. As I realized within a week I will have to face a day I never look forward to depression started to take hold. And out of that feeling came this…
I can feel you breathing
Deep within my soul
The restlessness, the emptiness
The feeling won’t let go
I can feel you tickle my heart
Asking to come in
As I fight against the warnings
Of the storm you will bring in
The windows they are shaking
Hail pelts the saddened glass
As trees hold roots to beat the winds
My tears pool in puddled mass
The sirens go off in my head
Warning of your arrival
Be prepared they say
You must do everything for survival
I take shelter in the bunker
Of the arms of the man I love
As darkness circles around me
Strength is not what I’m made of.
The house begins to shake
As a tornado starts to form
Depression’s fingers wrap around my neck
No breath, no air in this storm.
The doors have been ripped off
I am trapped within the eye
All hope has left me, I have no fight
The strangulation won’t allow my cry.
The sky has darkened to ash
The thunder booms from up above
The lightning shows flashes of happier times
Mocking a mother’s love.
I hear disaster all around me
The strength of the storm rips things apart
As I fall onto my knees to pray
The only place I know to start
I need shelter from the storm
Oh God, I just need you
Take me out of the stormy darkness
Make me whole and new
Take this barren pain
Wipe away the tears
Help me to not feel alone
Deal with all my fears.
The storm has begun to recede
I only have strength to just stand
The guilt of my past is heavy
Lord, don’t let go of my hand.
The rain is slowing down now
But it is still dark, I can’t see my way.
Lord, light the darkened hallways
Guide me so I do not stray.
The pain of loss is weighted
Help me to breathe and let go
Help me not to forget
Hug my son and let him know
I loved him with every heartbeat
I loved him with every breath
One day I’ll have the strength
To move on from his death.
The storm warning is no longer searing
The earth stands nevertheless broken
Like the heart of a mother
Who questions her worth though unspoken
The storm warning is audible
But I take comfort that I will prevent
The depression from having control
No matter the visits to my door it frequents
I stand tall knowing that God
Knows that I can handle my storm
I only wish I know the reason
A key to break depressions form.
To you who have to deal with depression, you are not alone. A taboo subject that shouldn’t be taboo. I know how you feel. I know what you think. I know the darkness you fight just to wake up every morning. I want you to know there are people out there who deal with what you are dealing with. People who are willing to hold your hand, help you stand, wipe those tears when you don’t have the strength to do it.
I wish I could tell you depression isn’t scary. I wish I could tell you I have all the answers. I wish I could tell you my faith in God was strong enough to get me through. I falter. All. The. Time. But, I have surrounded myself with people who want me to be happy, who love me, who understands that it isn’t me when I am depressed. We are here for you too. Don’t give up. Keep fighting. Always keep fighting. Write your story even in the darkness.
Stay the path. xoxo