The journey for healing begins today.
The biggest step I’ve ever taken to better myself and decide who I want to be was accepting I was beat up and making a conscious decision to seek help. In my personal life I have an incredibly difficult time asking for help. People will often say its because I’m too stubborn, or too closed off, or I just don’t know how. In many ways, they are all right.
But, that is all about to change. Well, not really. I’ll probably always be stubborn (thanks mom!). Being mostly an introvert I’ll always be closed off (thanks dad!). It’s the don’t know how part that I’m conquering. Yesterday I called myself a hypocrite because I write to y’all about the need to conquer your fears, live your love, love your life, forgive others and most importantly forgive yourself. I have always found it easy to motivate others. To take hold of their hand and show them that there is always a light at the end of the darkness. I just could never do the motivation thing for myself.
Edith Wharton said that there are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it. While I can’t be the candle right now my intentions is to one day be able to. My intention is to one day be able to do everything I try to motivate y’all on and so my journey to healing begins today. No more bandages. No more drowning myself in food, self affliction or booze to wipe away the pain. I’d like to say I won’t continue to be a workaholic. That one is hard. But, you know baby steps.
Tonight I will take a huge step in facing the single pain that has haunted me for 12 years. And I am excited to share this journey with you. I’m excited to share in the fact that I’m ready to heal. I will never forget. I will always remember. But, it doesn’t have to cripple me.
Tonight, I’ll be standing on a threshold for the first time connecting with people who stand in my shoes. I’ll be able to eventually say, “I’ve got a broken heart, not a broken life. I’ve got a broken dream, not a broken future.” I won’t lie and tell you I am afraid to start this journey. I am, deeply. It means that the pain for 12 years that I have buried is brought up. It means being vulnerable to strangers. But, it also means I continue. I rise. I fight. I conquer.