I finally took a vacation. I work a lot at my job, put in a lot of hours. I unselfishly give of myself to the point where I had begun to put my job first and foremost in my life. Before my husband. Before my family. Most importantly, before God. I needed to go back home to Hawaii to find myself again. To get on steady ground. To see things clearly. And I did. I was thankful for a godly woman who for just 45 minutes allowed me to feel at peace. She didn’t say anything out of the ordinary. She didn’t bother judging me and making me feel like a total fool. All she did was take my hand, make me smile and pray with me.
It’s been a rough week. I’ve been sitting here trying to wrap my mind around everything. I don’t feel so alone because I know I’m actually praying about my decisions. I’m no longer not on talking terms with God. I’m not angry with Him for taking my son. I didn’t realize the anger that was so strong and prevalent. It’s kinda scary how dark it was and I didn’t really pay attention to notice.
I’ve been talking more about my faith then I have in a while. I was going to say I’m sorry but I’m really not. This is me. I’ve been talking about my faith more lately and its maybe because I actually stopped to listen? Maybe because for the first time in a long time someone stopped, with no prejudice and just prayed with me. That short few minutes of prayer opened up a heart that was so cold and hateful, so angry and resentful, so unlike me. That single prayer allowed me to realize how undeserving I am to be loved by a God who no matter what I do, say, think, and feel loves me unconditionally to the point of giving up the life of His son and never leaving my side.
I’m not saying I’m holier than thou. I’m not saying I’m this amazing person because I’ve found my faith. I actually don’t know what I’m saying other than it was nice to not be judged and to share in God’s love with this woman. It was nice to feel God’s presence again. To know that I do matter. I don’t know. I just needed to get it out into the universe that being non partial and just loving someone does wonders. Thank you Aunty Cindy, for your kind words, your amazing hug, your loud laughter. But, most of all, thank you for your prayer, because you reminded me exactly why God loves the unlovable.