I have shared a lot of things on my blog. Except one thing. The most important thing in my life. As important as it is I have chosen to completely disengage in everything that I am in this relationship because of all of the hurt and anger of 2014. I’ve been obstreperous in going back to basics and setting this particular relationship right. But no more.
Before I continue, this may be an amphigory blog to many of you. Or not. Either way, I want to share with you the most important piece of me.
I was sexually assaulted. After the assault I disassociated with much of the world. My feelings of self-worth becoming diminutive. I became suicidal and self-harming. I would cut and burn myself to lessen my pain. I developed an eating disorder, depression, and began to build walls to protect what was left of me. I was literally the hottest mess to grace the Hawaiian Islands.
In 1999 I attended a church family camp at Kilauea Military Camp. After months of attending this church I finally gave my life to the Lord. I know some of you might be thinking, “Great, another holier than thou person looking to preach God, God, God.” Let me set one thing straight: I am the farthest person to being holy. I won’t preach God down your throat. I won’t judge you. Or tell you that you’re wrong because of the way you choose to live your life.
I was sure the sexual assault was the end of me. I’ve never seen such darkness, such despair, such utter loneliness. I was always afraid that they were going to come back to me, it would happen again, or no one would believe me. My self-mutilation was the only thing that made the guilt and pain disappear. It was so scary. Then God intervened. I’m not going to go into how or why. What I want to share with you is what He has done for me.
During that night at KMC when I accepted God in my life there was some kind of transformation. It was as if a great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I felt new, rejuvenated, complete. He became my truest confidant, my best friend. He provided me compassion, love, and healing. He gave me mercy, peace, and comfort. That night at KMC, and ever since, I felt His arms around me protecting me from the evils of this world, if I allowed Him, always being faithful to someone who didn’t deserve it.
No matter how unfavorable I acted, how mistake prone I’ve been, God has always stood right beside me guiding me. No matter how angry I got at Him for not doing what I asked, or for allowing me to go through each trial and tribulation He never left my side. I am so incredibly flawed and yet He loves me, forgives me, showing me my potential time after time. Even as I’ve walked and strayed He is still there guiding my every steps.
Here is why: God is a personal God. He comes to each one of us personally. He speaks to each of us and relates to us personally. He wants to know who we are as individuals not collectively as a church (I mean, He wants that too) because He loves each person individually and wants that personal relationship with us. Having that relationship means that we have to speak (prayer) and listen to what He has to say. Like any relationship it’s about give and take. As He loves us He wants us to love Him in return. That is what a personal relationship with Him is about. I am no one unless I have Him. He is my most important piece of me.