I like my walls. I like having them up so it protects my heart. It protects me from all the negative things going on in the world. It protects me from being hurt by the things I can control. It protects me from becoming close to people who can hurt me. My walls protect me from loving too deeply and falling too hard.
I fight with every part of my being to protect these walls around my heart. For some stupid, dumb, idiotic and perverse reason I believe it is easier in life to keep everyone at arms length. It’s easier to not let people come close so they don’t know the real me. To allow people to see the façade that I portray so others know the Pearl I choose them to see. But, mostly to protect a heart that is too scared to be hurt again.
If you haven’t figured it out by now I don’t like to be vulnerable. I don’t like to not have control in my life. I guess that’s from the OCD in me. Either case, I protect my heart. I guess you can say it is a defensive mechanism. Not sure when it all began I just know that I’ve been this way much of my life.
The problem with building walls is you leave all the good and the bad out. You can’t have good without the other. I know that the bad can be so heavy, so scary, lonely, tiresome, and fearsome but without knowing the bad you can’t look for the good. I know that from experience. And when you put your guard down and allow either to cross that wall it almost seems like all hell breaks loose. But, guess what? Even if all hell is breaking loose I know that being vulnerable is probably the best way to measure courage.
I’m the least courageous person, like ever. I don’t like to try new things or meet new people. Mostly it’s because it makes me vulnerable. The other part is because I have these extreme panic attacks when I become uncomfortable and its quite annoying. But, I know that life isn’t measured by how courageous you are. Rather, it is measured by how many times you get back up after allowing yourself to be vulnerable, after falling from grace, after making the wrong turn, after slipping off the right path. Vulnerability allows you to be courageous as long as you are willing to take the first step.
For years I have built my walls so I wouldn’t be vulnerable. Somehow there are a few people who have been able to get through my sturdy built to last walls. It doesn’t make sense because I’m usually really good at protecting myself from such things. I will never get back what I have given to those who have been able to pass my walls. I’m not asking to get it back either. You who have broken my walls have allowed me to realize that I’m stronger because I had to be. I’m smarter because of my mistakes. Happier because of the sadness I’ve known. And now I’m wiser because I’ve learned.
Here’s to being vulnerable on purpose.
Non più cosa se.
Tutto il mio amore.