When I began working at my place of employment I came in knowing nothing. It was my first time being an actual manager. I mean sure, I’ve been a supervisor of some sorts since I was 20 but a manager? I was an outsider looking in, looking to break things down and start anew.

Oh boy did I break things down. I talked in an earlier post about how I turned my office over twice to get a team capable of running a successful office. And through the storm and subsequent storms a reputation has been created of me that I’m not quite sure is good or bad. 

See, the thoughts you conceive, anything you may say, the actions you engage in, become your signature. It becomes who you are. I have a bad temper so there’s  times I act in a less then professional manner. My mouth at times has a mind of its own. My heart is so passionate that sometimes I allow it to rob me blind of all senses. I work hard and give everything I have because I’m that loyal. And I try to learn everything and jump at new things because I want to be the best. All of that has created this reputation that I am beginning to question is good.

Here is why. I’ve been entrusted to train the new sales staff that come into the store. Yesterday I sent the class out to do role playing to get familiar with the system and process. Someone said a newbie asked, “Will she be mad at me?” Apparently he did something wrong and became hesitant to seek help. I felt demoralized because after spending two days with the class and building what I believed was great rapport my so-called reputation with this company had already preceded me.

I won’t lie and tell you I’ve struggled with this reputation as of late. I always prided myself as being open and approachable. Somewhere between February and August that has changed. When I meet new people in the company they always say, “So you’re Jaelyn. I’ve heard a lot about you.” It’s always disheartening when I hear it because I never believe what is being said is good. Did I tell you I have a pretty bad self-esteem? Self-esteem aside, with everything that has happened these last six months it is hard to believe any of it is good.

My questioning reputation has begun to make me feel defeated at work. I have always felt undervalued but the feeling has become incredibly stifling. I know I am good at what I do, I just don’t think that’s gonna make it anymore. My reputation precedes me so often here I don’t know who I should and shouldn’t be. I don’t know who I am in this company or what I’m supposed to be. I know I should be worrying about my character for its my character that makes me who I really am and not my reputation. But how do you find your lost character in a sea of dark reputations? How do you find who you are supposed to be when you’re questioning your very existence on where you’re at? I know who I am outside of work. That is who I want to be inside of work. But, how do I mold the two reputations together when they are oh so different?

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