My first blog blast of the month and I don’t pretend to know what the heck I’m doing here. Whether it’s this blog or just life in general. I hope this month gives you something. Something of hope. Something of inspiration. Something to motivate you to push on. Or at least to know you’re not alone.
A year ago yesterday I felt the life of my baby leave me. I know that sounds weird but that’s how it felt. Somehow I knew something was wrong with Jackson. It was the worse feeling in the world. How do you call the doctor and tell them you don’t think your baby no longer is safe within you? I remember it like it was yesterday. Making that phone call was hard. We went in and took a sonogram. We were assured Jax was ok because the sonogram showed him looking at us smiling. When they scheduled an ultrasound to listen to his heartbeat to appease me I dreaded it because I knew there wouldn’t be one. Could it be possible to already have that mother’s intuition that my mom talks about?
People call babies like Jackson angel babies. Those same people call mothers like me angel moms. Unless you have experienced the loss of your child you may not understand that. Heck, you may not even consider mothers like me mothers. And that’s ok. But, for you who have experienced my pain, you are a mother. You can call your baby an angel baby, or like me, call them by name. Whatever your desire you are a mother. That baby that grew inside of you, no matter how long, made you as such. And I cling to that. Whether or not I will be a mother again, I had Jackson. Even for such a short time. Our talks. Our prayers. Our songs. I still had him. No one else will know the strength of my love for my Jackson but him after all he’s the one that knows the sound of my heart from the inside. We will forever share a bond of mother and son.
A year ago yesterday has been the darkest year of my life. Anger. Grief. Heartbreak. I didn’t know my heart could break into more pieces than it takes to put it together. I pour my heart out to you today because I’m being selfish. I want to talk about my son. I also know talking will help me. Its been building up inside, the pain. It feels so strong as if the lost of my boy was just yesterday. Will it ever go away? The people who tell me its time to move on sure think it will – or it should have already. I just don’t know how to move on. I can’t. My soul is so very tired. And yet, somehow for him I have to be ok. One of my best friends told me that the greatest disservice I could give Jackson was to give up. And she’s right. Giving up would mean I have given up on him. I can never do that. Zoe Clark-Coates said it best, “You don’t have to know all of the answers to move forward, sometimes it’s just time to take the first step.”
To you, my dear son Jackson, I will always love you. I will always miss you. I will not move on, rather, fall forward and remember you. I will not give up, I will take the first step forward until I see you again. #staythepath